Wednesday, September 5, 2007

The Apple Corp Business Plan: iPhone and iCar (A Luddite's Perspective)

Apple unveils new iPod with Wi-Fi (CNNMoney, by Jon Fortt, Business 2.0)
September 5, 2007: 3:43 PM EDT

SAN FRANCISCO (Business 2.0) -- Apple announced Wednesday the first major overhaul of its popular iPod music digital players in nearly two years and slashed the price of its new iPhone.
CEO Steve Jobs unveiled a series of iPod upgrades - including more storage and bigger screens - but the showstopper was a new model dubbed the iPod Touch and fashioned after the iPhone.

CEO Steve Jobs announced major upgrades to its popular music players; cuts iPhone price by $200.
It figures. One of the most hyped products known to humankind, the iPhone, gets a price slash, just a mere two months after its major roll out. Could it be that the product sucks so royally that the barbarian fanboys at the Apple door are finally slicing at the rotten Apple Core?
The Apple Corp. Business Plan:
  1. Spend months and millions of dollars over hyping a mediocre product. If you yak up a cute gizmo long enough, the first wave of Apple Zombie Followers (and eBay resellers) will stand in line for three days--maybe even three years--to buy an over-priced and under-equipped product.
  2. Stir things up a bit by releasing a trial balloon (touted as a rumor) about the iCar; see how your Apple Zombie Followers react to the possibility of becoming plugged into their cars, their brains fully integrated with the gearshift and GPS.
  3. After determining that you have tapped out the Apple Zombie iPhone Followers, slash the price dramatically so that you catch the second wave of Apple customers, not-quite-Zombies or former Zombies who have gotten a bit wiser and have decided to take a wait-and-see stance. Don't worry about fixing the annoying problems; you haven't yet tapped out your primary market. This second wave of buyers either haven't read the problem reports or they don't care. They see that pot of gold at the end of the Apple rainbow--and at a BARGAIN!
  4. Six months later: once you have determined that you have thoroughly pissed off your customer base, THEN (and only then) do you tweak the gadget a bit, perhaps developing a version that contains a removable battery or a screen that doesn't break when the gadget hits the pavement (but not both--you're not done bilking the masses). You know that your faithful Zombies will dump their original iPhones and stand in line for three days for IPhone: The Next Generation, and will pay $200 more than they did for #3. Retire the original iPhone model.
  5. Two months later: Drop the price by $200.
  6. Six months later: HYPE TIME AGAIN! You fix the problem that you didn't fix last time, and, perhaps, add some cheesy memory. Again, the Zombies will dump The Next Generation and stand in line (again, for three days) for iPhone: Deep Space Nine. Retire TNG.
  7. A few days later: Announce the coming of the iCar and spend millions of dollars to keep the hype going.
  8. Two months later: Drop the price of the Deep Space Nine model.
  9. Four months later: Announce a tentative announcement date for the iCar and allow information about some of its features to leak out into the press.
  10. Two months later: Tweak the Deep Space Nine model by adding a spot of memory and maybe a screen upgrade. Raise the price.
  11. Two months later: Drop the price of DSN.
  12. Six months later: Announce the new iPhone: Voyager model. Upgrade the hell out of it (thus creating a bunch of bugs with it), and over hype again. Charge twice the price. Retire DSN.
  13. Two months later: Announce the date of the iCar announcement and leak lots of information, some of it true and some of it tentative, about its features to the press.
  14. Two days later: Slash the price of Voyager.
  15. One month later: Announcement that the official announcement will be by "invitation only," and then send out about 1,000,000 invitations to pro-Apple reporters and bloggers.
  16. One month later: Today's the official iCar announcement! Hype the hell out of the media event and announce a tentative release date.
  17. Two days later: In yet another media event, proclaim that the Voyager bugs have been addressed and fixed. Slash its price.
  18. One month later: Apple announces that a Luddite version of the iPhone will soon be released: the iPhone: Enterprise. Special features: big buttons with a simple and intuitive interface. No music, no TV, no internet. Just a dial tone, direct access to 911, and, perhaps an address book (use not required, however). A reliable cell provider would be nice. (Okay, so I'm kidding here).
  19. Six months later: Apple announces its new iPhone: the iPhoneic (pronounced iFon-ik). According to rumors on the MacRumors/iPhone blog, the iPhoneic will (a) Do your homework for you, (b) Snipe for you on eBay, (c) Select your favorite songs and TV shows for you based on some kind of fuzzy logic (TBA), (d) Feed you iMacBurgers and iMacTatorTots 24/7 (an obesity disclaimer will accompany each unit). All tech support, including for the iPhone Voyager, will be phased out, for Apple will now concentrate on over hyping and selling its new iPhoneic model.
  20. Continuing basis: Here comes a barrage of Apple iCar hype; the media wonks roll over and allow their bellies to be rubbed by Steve Jobs. Tons of freebie publicity!
  21. Four months later: Nationwide, Apple Zombie Followers, a.k.a., AZF's (and eBay resellers) start lining up at Volkswagen dealers, mega bucks and loan approvals in hand!
  22. Three days later: Today's the day! Release of the iCar! There will be media reports of stampedes, death, and grim tales of greed and selfishness. The AZF True Believers will blog madly about being "First" to snag their iCars, available only in blue (something about quality control issues at the paint factory). Disgruntled users and cranky non-users will throw up blogs like "" (Ha, ha, beat ya to it, and I didn't even have to buy the iCar)! In a honeymoon period, after The Big Event, Apple and the media will suck up to each other.
  23. One week later: The honeymoon period between Apple and the media is officially over as it becomes apparent that the iCar contains a lot of annoying glitches, such as the battery that can't be removed at the dealership (must go back to the factory), the windshield that shatters after hitting a corn stalk in an Iowa corn field at 5 mph, and the on-board computer that crashes as you're cruising along at 65 mph on the Washington Beltway, requiring a complete shutdown and reboot.
  24. Two months later: Apple announces a $2,000 price slash and a promise to work out those annoying glitches. ;=)
  25. And so on...

Have a nice Big Red Apple Day!

No iCar (and proud of it)


Anonymous said...

You are a loser! I can't belive you spent this much time blogging about a product that you hate. Do you work for Microsoft or something. Get over it already! Go meet a girl and get of the computer for a change.

No iCar said...

Hey, Anonymous,

My goodness, I'm a lady, so I don't need a girl.

Ha! Microsoft is SOOOOOO bad, much worse than Apple--not even worth my time of day.

No iCar